National Treasure: A Movie So Bad We Forgot Clay Reviewed It 8-05-05
Friday, September 12, 2008
This column was originially written in February but I forgot I had written it until I watched Stealth and savaged that movie. Then I went back to reread this column and couldn't find it in the archives. Luckily yahoo mail saves everything. So I guess there are now three things I liked about the movie Stealth, 1. Jessica Biel's ass 2. the maps and 3. it reminded me of National Treasure.
...
Everyone should see the new Nicolas Cage movie National Treasure. Not because it is a great film but for this reason and this reason alone, it has the most awkward lines of any film of recent vintage and they all include the phrase, "Declaration of Independence."
My fingers are actually tired from just typing this phrase and I misspelled it three times before I got it correct, but what's great about National Treasure is that no one ever gets the line inflection correct. For those of you who have missed the marketing blitz for the film the basic storyline is this, there is a secretly coded map of buried treasure on the back of the Declaration of Independence written in invisible ink that can only be seen by special bifocals crafted by Benjamin Franklin. Seriously this is the plot.
Early in the movie Nicolas Cage's character steals the Declaration of Independence from the National Archives after first using it's bulletproof shield to ward off bullets being fired at him by that Irish actor guy who always seems to play bad guys waiting to get foiled. I do not remember his name so henceforth I will refer to him as WTGF (waiting to get foiled). Cage's character is a riff on Indiana Jones only he lacks, a decent script, a decent character, and a decent cast. What he has is this, a plot that somehow manages to make every Indiana Jones movie seem not only plausible but likely. But all this is ancillary because the only reason to see this film is to see the actors struggle to incorporate the phrase Declaration of Independence into their dialogue.
The dialogue follows the same template as other big budget flicks, except Declaration of Independence (three misspellings this time) is fitted into the places where other, shorter words have been in the past. Such as, "Oh no, the asteroid." (Armageddon) "Oh no, the aliens." (Aliens, Independence Day, Signs, and assorted other alien genre films) "Oh no, the core." (The Core) Basically you get the drift and oh no has just been utilized for example; lead-ins can be as varied as Save, Watch out, Look out, Is that, etc.. All of these movies require their lead actors to utter these lines with the appropriate level of fear mixed with resolve that makes the movies passably watchable, but here's the key, they all end in short words. Until National Treasure. This is a list of lines uttered by Cage, Cage's attrative female cohort (I don't know her name), Cage's male chum (I don't know his name either), and the previously discussed WTGF,
"Oh no, the Declaration of Independence." Uttered on many occasions by Cage, Cage's chum, WTGF but most memorably by the chick (as the DOI threatens to fall off a pulley system in a sub-chamber beneath New York City's Trinity Church accessed through an ancient tomb) And yes that is the actual scene.
"Save the Declaration of Independence." Again several times but most memorably by Cage as the DOI rolls around the street and narrowly avoids being crushed by passing car.
"Is that the Declaration of Independence?" Uttered by the as-yet-unmentioned Jon Voight who plays Cage's father and whose career in the last twenty years peaked when he didn't appear in that Seinfeld car and pencil episode.
Basically there are a ton of these. But what makes them classic is this, the phrase Declaration of Independence does not fit the line or the quick shots so popular in these films. It actually is worth the price of admission to see Cage gamely attempt to make this line work. By my count Declaration of Independence has 9 syllables. Of course my syllable counting has still not advanced since first grade so I just sat clapping as I said the word aloud in a room all by myself. (and no it isn't padded). You can almost see the director trying to pull the camera away so we can see another fast action shot of WTGF while he still has not been foiled. Instead the camera lingers and each actor struggles through this excrutiatingly long (almost as long as this column) phrase. Nine syllables. That's more syllables than any other single line Nic Cage usually utters in an entire movie. (And right now someone is thinking what about that movie where he plays a drunk guy and won an Oscar; give me a break marrying Lisa Marie canceled out that performance). After about two syllables he sort of gets this quizzicial look on his face, like is this line not finished yet? But then he steels himself and comes on strong for the finish.
And by the way, if you think I'm being tough on Nic Cage try this yourself. Say "Save the Declaration of Independence!" in the same way you would say, "Save the beer!" if your canoe turned over. If you're in the office make very soft sounds...
You couldn't do it either could you? And neither can anyone else in the movie. But watching them try is worth watching the entire story. Seriously. And now I'm out because this is officially the longest column ever written about National Treasure.
Posted by Clay Travis at 12:14 PM
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