Why does LSU coach Les Miles look so goofy in a baseball cap? College Football Week One 9-12-05
Friday, September 12, 2008
Some people spend their weekends in the Caribbean windsurfing, island-hopping, and drinking Cruzan Rum while checking out cruise-ship chicks in bikinis. Instead, I spent my weekend watching every college football game I could. During this time, I occasionally spoke aloud and predicted upcoming plays (see my call to no one else in my condo of an Iowa State interception return for a touchdown when Iowa's back-up quarterback dropped back to pass on third and long) [a], had one telephone conversation during which a friend shamelessly utilized Hurricane Katrina to justify an impending LSU loss, and finished two different types of chips I had never eaten before. By one in the morning on Sunday after the fifth game I had watched, I felt sort of like you do after the third jager-bomb or after you've stayed at a strip club for long enough to see every dancer come to the stage twice. Of course, this means that in one week. I'll do the exact same thing all over again. Here with numerical accompaniment was my Saturday.
1. Ok, so it was Thursday and it was the NFL. But exactly five minutes into the first NFL football game of the season, I received the first trash-talk telephone call from the 27. This was his first sentence. "Courtney Anderson." This was his second sentence, "Courtney Anderson." If you have any idea who Courtney Anderson is, you have fantasy football fever. In a bad way. For those lacking the fever, he's the tight end for the Oakland Raiders. And he scored the first touchdown of the NFL season. The 27 had picked him up earlier in the day for his woeful team in the Vanderbilt Law School/deadlyhippos league.
2. Saturday begins with College Gameday. I'm almost ready to elope with Nick Lachey. Now he's a roving reporter for the College Gameday guys. Is his life real? If he would just stop singing he would officially become the coolest guy of the 21st century. This time the singing doesn't bother me. Lachey sings Hail to the Victor from Ohio State's stadium. In a subsequent conversation with my friend Weatherholt, we consider the odds of Nick Lachey making it out of Columbus alive. [b] Regardless, my nonsexual crush continues to flicker.
3. Watch Michigan-Notre Dame. Consider writing entire column about how Michigan is like a hot chick at a party. She's wearing a tank-top with spaghetti straps replete with ample cleavage a skirt well-above the knee to reveal her perfect legs. Beautiful face with twinkling eyes. And then beer pong starts and she doesn't drink alcohol. And she won't play topless. Reconsider column idea much like Michiganders are beginning to reconsider head coach Lloyd Carr. This might mark the first time that Lloyd Carr/Michigan has ever been analogized to a hot chick at a party. Hopefully it will be the last.
In case you were wondering, Lloyd Carr is like a hot chick at the party who doesn't drink or play beer pong topless. He does, however, look great alongside Mickey.
4. Recurring question throughout the day, why is instant replay in college so confusing? No one understands when plays are going to get reviewed. Isn't this ridiculous? Why wouldn't college just piggy-back off all the work the NFL has already done here. Just give each coach a red flag or a buzzer and let them decide when to challenge calls. As is, some guy who hasn't had sex since 1942 is sitting inside a booth somewhere. For all we know he's using the replay cameras to look up cheerleader's skirts. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but still...
Hopefully the college instant replay guy was not tempted by either of these Michigan cheerleaders.
5. I watch Iowa-Iowa State. This is the regional game on ABC--the only person I know from Iowa is the same person who has the racist dog named Jack. Suprisingly, despite being from Iowa she is not featured in the telecast nor is her dog Jack. Iowa State wins in an upset and I make my spectacular prediction, aloud, to an empty room.
6. I watch Florida-South Carolina. Despite the fact that he has driven me to fits of incoherent rage, I still like Steve Spurrier. This might be the equivalent of male domestic abuse, i.e. when an opposing player or coach constantly does you wrong but you still come back for more.
Steve Spurrier= Clay's Ike Turner.
7. Halfway through the game Florida-South Carolina, I bail out to go watch The Forty Year Old Virgin. Realize there is a joke here about the instant replay guy but refuse to stoop so low. The entire movie felt odd to me, sort of like when you're stuck wearing an outfit you know you're going to get made fun of for wearing but you haven't gotten made fun of yet. I can't explain it, but the movie is worth seeing if you feel like watching an old guy try to lose his virginity. Personally, I'd rather just watch Jim Rome's television show and see it for real.
8. Return home in time for the start of the second quarter of Texas-Ohio State and kickoff of LSU-Arizona State. By halftime of the Texas-Ohio State game, I'm considering whether I would rather raise Vince Young's child or my own. After much contemplation, I think I would rather raise Vince Young's as they are more likely to be winners. [c]
9. Vanderbilt won at Arkansas 28-24. Are you kidding me? Vanderbilt is now 2-0. They haven't been 2-0 since back in 1989 when I was in third grade. I still remember that because my Nashville day care teacher and I had a conversation then about Vanderbilt being 2-0 right before they played Florida. My day care teacher said, "I saw where one of Florida's players was like, 'Yeah, we have to take Vanderbilt seriously.' and I was like, who are you kidding, it's Vanderbilt."
I concurred before I knew what concurred meant, "Yeah," I said, "Vandy sucks."
The day care teacher shook her head. "We don't say sucks, back to timeout."
She was right about Vandy, they still didn't have a winning record that year, but now that I'm grown I can says sucks whenever I want. Sucks for her.
10. Texas wins. Just a spectacular game. This is the third top 10 loss of the day for the Big 10.
11. Second football conversation of the day with my friend Weatherholt as LSU trails with only a few minutes remaining against Arizona State. Weatherholt is a notorious Pac-10 hater. He tries out his excuse as to how the SEC's LSU could lose, "I've already decided if LSU loses, I'm blaming it all on the effects of Hurricane Katrina." LSU scores to take the lead as we talk on the phone. Weatherholt abandons his Katrina argument.
12. Les Miles looks more ridiculous in a baseball cap than anyone I've ever seen on the sideline. He looks like he is wearing a cowboy hat. Now this might pass for kosher in Oklahoma, but down South the brim can't double as a rough approximation for your actual height. Note to Les, when someone could drop a football onto your head and you wouldn't even feel it, there might be too much air in your cap.
13. My friend Hinton from Vandy law emails me. Having been born on the border between Missouri and Arkansas he roots for both teams. He informs me that Missouri lost at home to New Mexico and reiterates the fact that Vandy beat Arkansas at Arkansas. Ouch. I think we may need to set up a suicide watch for him.
14. Why are there preseason polls that actually count? Five of the preseason top 10 have already lost and we're only in the second week of college football. This is like ranking the Miss USA girls before talent competition. Hey wait...
15. The end is nigh my friends, Vanderbilt has received a vote for the Top 25. Beau Bishop of CBS affiliate WCTV-TV in Tallahassee, Fla., ranked Vanderbilt No. 25 on his weekly Associated Press poll ballot. The last time Vanderbilt received a vote in the poll was on Sept. 26, 1999. In case you were wondering this was the night Jim Rome almost lost his virginity.
16. On the chips front, in an effort to keep my man boobs sustained I sampled two bags. Deep River Snacks have recently inundated the Virgin Islands with their kettle cooked chips. They're excellent. The Vince Young of kettle-cooked chips. The other bag was Sun Chips. Very tasty as well, but more like the Michigan of potato chips, looks good but not very filling.[d]
________________________________
a. Before, you ask, yes, I am aware of the dangers inherent in speaking aloud while one is alone. In the interests of full disclosure the wallpaper in my room also seems alive.
b. Nick Lachey did, in fact, survive. Unfortunately he sang...again. At the opening of the NFL season on Sunday.
c. I do not have any children so I am not a horrible person. Also, I do not know if Vince Young has any children. And I mean male children.
d. I'm confident that never before has the Michigan football team been analogized to both hot chicks and potato chips in the same column. In case you were wondering, my parents are very proud.
Posted by Clay Travis at 12:35 PM
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