Man: The Book
Excerpt
Chapter One
Bars and Restaurants
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.
That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway
The water was not fit to drink. To make it
palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent
effort, I learned to like it.
-Sir Winston Churchill
In ancient times, men proved their self-worth
on fields of battle with axes and arrows laced with fire and
poison. If you beheaded someone, you also got his wife,
daughters, and his oxcart. It was a simple yet fulfilling life
(provided, of course, that you kept your head and did not
die of scurvy or syphilis). But now men live in the twenty-first
century and the bar has replaced the battlefield as
the point of conquest. Sure, some guys pick up women at
coffee shops, vintage clothing stores, and haberdasheries.
These are not men. These are vultures sent to comb the
edges of the battlefield. In ancient times, they would have
been the men in charge of driving swords into the other
men who were already mortally wounded and clinging to
the edges of life. These men still masturbate to Victoria's
Secret catalogs and run their fingers along frilly lace bras
when they are in department stores. You do not want to
be one of these men. (Of course, every man can feel comfortable
running his hands along frilly lace thongs so long
as they are sizes 0, 2, or 4. Okay, okay, and if you are a
black man, sizes 6, 8, and 10 too.) No, real men fight real
battles at the bar. Win and all womankind will spread their
legs before you. Lose, and you'll be relegated to hitting on
chicks at the sushi counter in Harris Teeter grocery stores.
Not that there's anything wrong with hitting on chicks at
the sushi counter, but come on, how many times can you
giggle and say, "Oh my god, do you like California rolls, too?"
Just as men trained themselves in archery, swordfighting,
ax-swinging, and disemboweling on the verdant
plains of old England, so too, must you train yourself on
the oaken tables of the bar. You have to know what not
to drink, what not to wear, and how to use gay men to
your advantage. (Gay men are like the cavalry of the modern
bar.) Soon, like Neo in The Matrix, all around you the
bar will spin with exquisite slowness. That girl in the top
with breasts that resemble sacks of sawdust mixed with
Elmer's Glue-All? That guy in the camouflage will leave
with her. That exquisite knockout who can barely stand
because she is so drunk and is wearing high heels? Place
yourself correctly and you can bump into her and pretend
it's her fault. She'll believe you. Then she'll go home and
screw you for so long you won't be able to touch your penis
in the morning when you piss. You'll see this all developing
around you in super slow-motion. We promise you.
Not every man may become the One but, with effort,
every man can become a warrior. Otherwise, don't listen
to us, and there will be many nights when you trudge
home with a woman who resembles a battle-ax affixed to
your hip. She will be giggling and you will feel her belly
rolling alongside you. Later as you rabbit-hump her with
wild abandon while she absently chews on a Tootsie Roll,
you may be tempted to cry. And this will be a good night.
Other nights, you will go home with your guy friends and
have masturbation races utilizing old Madonna posters from
1986 as excitement. Trust us, grasshopper, read on and we
will show you the way to move on the bar battlefield.
1. No matter how crowded the bar is, if a man asks you
for your table so that he can start an arm-wrestling
tournament, you must relinquish it immediately.
2. When ordering drinks, insist that the weakest drinker
of the group get the first round. Drink it, then wander
around the bar until you see everyone else on
empty. Then the second weakest drinker must buy.
This is called the Drinking Darwinism Theory.
3. If the bathroom line is too long, don't be afraid to
think outside the box. Appropriate alternatives include
the sink, trash cans, beer bottles, and the floor. Peeing
is basically allowed anywhere but on yourself.
4. The more shots you take past 2:00 A.M., the less ass
you will get that night. Believe us.
5. If Patrick Swayze is the bouncer of the bar and/or it's
made of all wood, by all means go inside and have a
drink.
6. Every man has a bar which he refers to only as "the
bar." When asked by someone else, "What bar?" one
must respond, "The bar." Generally this bar is dirty,
inhabited by rednecks and thugs (not women), and,
most important, cheap.
7. If another guy wants to fight you and he says in a
very calm voice, "I think we should take this outside,"
do not ever go outside. He will kill you.
8. Being able to outdrink someone trumps athletic ability.
Athleticism is God given, boozing is a learned trait.
9. Vodka and cranberry may be ordered for your own
consumption only if the bar is so dark no one can tell
your drink is pink.
10. Girl Boy Man
Amaretto sour Whiskey sour Straight bourbon
Hard cider Light beer Bitter stout
Mudslide White Russian Black Russian
11. When at a restaurant, never order a dish with the word
medley in it.
12. If you arrive before your friends at a bar, feel free to
fake a cell phone call. Smile and say something witty
if necessary. Feel free to refake a cell phone call every
ten minutes until someone actually arrives. If no one
ever arrives, reconsider your life.
13. When walking into a bar, always suck in gut and expand
chest until you confirm that you are not the fattest
man in the bar. When confirmed, exhale.
14. Light beers may always be consumed; diet sodas may
never be consumed.
15. You are obligated to get weekend drunk on Saint
Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo.
16. When you travel to another city to visit a friend, consider
it a free invitation to get twice as drunk as you
do in your home city.
17. Every man should have at least one drinking story that
ends in the phrase, "and then I woke up with my pants
off." However, if this story also includes the phrases,
"And then Richard Simmons ..." or "And then Balki
from Perfect Strangers ..." keep that one to yourself.
18. If you are playing either quarters or beer pong and
the quarter or Ping-Pong ball lands on the floor, anytime
someone mentions germs, he is forced to wear
a headband for the remainder of the night. If your friend
is already wearing a headband, make him take off his
accompanying wristbands and punch him in the nose.
He shouldn't be your friend, anyway.
19. If you lose a drinking game to a girl, leave the party
and contemplate self-gelding.
20. When eating at a restaurant, if another man at your
table orders an alcoholic drink, you are required to
order a stronger drink than the one he just ordered.
This should be followed by a look of pity directed at
the other man, a chuckle, then a headshake.
21. Never write any type of invitation that includes the
term BYOB. Beer is the nectar of men and deserves
to be spelled in its entirety.
22. Whenever you encounter an unidentified man on the
street, at work, or at a bar or club, immediately assess
whether you could kick his ass (comparing forearm
sizes is a good indicator). Adjust behavior accordingly.
23. General Barfight Rule: The bigger they are, the harder
they punch.
24. If you are about to slather yourself in cologne before
going out, just remember it's mostly deer piss.
25. When seeing a bachelorette party, fervently hitting on
the bride-to-be is a must. Then work your way down
the bridal party ladder until you get laid. Take an average
1-10 rating of the girl you hook up with from
your friends, round up, and that is the number of shots
you are owed the next night out. (The bride is an automatic
bottle of champagne.) This game is called
"Shots and Ladders."
26. It's always okay to remind a bouncer who won't let
you into a club that you make more money than he
does ... so long as you don't really value your teeth.
27. When holding your beer bottle at the bar, do not turn
it into a phallic symbol by fingering it or stroking it subconsciously,
especially in a group of other men. From
across the bar, this makes you look really gay. Grip it
like a man and swill.
28. Saturday night at two in the morning, some guy's always
at the bar in a tie. His schedule is so busy he couldn't
have spent the thirty seconds it would have taken to
pull off that tie? Wait until he's checking his fancy
watch and then grab his tie and choke him to within
an inch of his life.
29. Going to the drunk tank is the equivalent of getting
caught in one of those Indian rabbit snares. Just chew
your leg off, escape, and keep drinking, you pussy.
30. The next day after a party, the person who threw up the
night before has to drink a beer casserole. This consists
of at least four of the leftover beers combined in
one pitcher. This will teach them to waste good booze.
31. Upon entering a bar, always imagine the theme song
from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly playing in the
background. Anyone who looks like he has never seen
the movie is now instantly your enemy. If you have
never seen the movie, you have made a good investment
in buying this book.
32. A good steak is like a good pussy. Raw, hairless, and
juicier than all git'-out.
33. Eat your pizza and your fucking bread crusts. Wasting
the crust is like not finishing the last of your beer
because it's warm. Besides, if crust is the worst thing
you've ever put in your mouth, you're not a man, anyway.
Sack up.
34. If your stall doesn't have a lock or a door, fuck it, take
that shit anyway. Any man who stares or otherwise
encroaches on the deed is in the wrong bathroom.
35. A man must possess a minimum of two ways to open
a beer bottle without a bottle opener. And your male
friend named Taylor's way of asking the bartender isn't
one of them.
36. Here's a good way to tell if you are too drunk to keep
drinking: If the smell of your own vomit makes you
gag and nearly vomit again, then have another drink:
you are not nearly wasted enough.
37. When out to eat and the waitress asks you "mild,
medium, or hot," the answer should always be "hotter'n
hell!" If you are less than a month removed from triple
bypass surgery, it is acceptable to order medium. Never
under any circumstances order mild; you don't want
your order to be confused with that of your four-year-old
niece.
38. A salad does not constitute a meal, unless it's a meat
salad, where a meat salad is defined as a pile of (preferably
freshly killed) raw meat.
39. In order to eliminate time-wasting decision-making
and keep the line moving, at a barbecue, when asked
if you would like a "[blank] or a [blank]," always answer
authoritatively, "Both. And a beer." For instance:
Question: Hot dog or hamburger?
Answer: Both, and get me a fucking beer.
This answer may need to be adjusted based on the
options:
Question: Hot dog, hamburger, chicken, or steak?
Answer: All four. Now. Raw. And bring me a fucking
beer.
40. If a sandwich anywhere costs more than a steak at Outback,
you may not purchase it.
41. When eating at a seafood restaurant with your girl,
it's always fun to use the crab claws in an inappropriate
fashion. Try pinching her nipples with them every
time the waiter comes around, or tell the waiter, "This
isn't the first time she's had crabs." Basically, don't fail
to use a crab when you have the opportunity.
42. No man shall make less than three trips when dining
in an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. If any two men
surpass your intake of Chinese for the meal, they have
the automatic right to tag-team your girlfriend until you
finish your third plate.
43. When the short-skirted, hot, nineteen-year-old waitress
asks you if you want Parmesan cheese with your Italian
meal, with your answer (which, by the way, is yes)
you may include subtle or nonsubtle indications that
you would be happy to sprinkle her with white droplets
later that evening in the coat closet, also.
44. If you have to pass gas in a bar, go ahead and fart.
Immediately blame the smell on the first ugly person
you see.
45. The hierarchy at a bar is determined by ability to slam
a beer. If you can polish one off in under eight seconds,
the other bar patrons should show you a level
of respect on par with that of professional athletes. If
you can accomplish the feat in under three seconds, you
are a god and others should not look you directly in
the eye.
46. If two men go to a bar or restaurant together, under
no circumstances should you both go to the bathroom
at the same time. Doing this will automatically flag
you as a homosexual to every single woman in the establishment.
47. Meeting women in bars: If you use a pickup line on a
woman at a bar sincerely, you are an idiot and it won't
work. If you use a pickup line on a woman with the
hope that she will find it funny and hook up with you
anyway, chances are it's not funny and it won't work.
The solution: If you're really attractive, just act dumb
and you'll wake up next to a naked woman. If you're
rich, just flash your money clip at her. If you're not,
then pretend you're rich. If you can't do that, you're
screwed-what are you doing at a bar, anyway?
48. If a hot waitress leaves you her number on the tab,
you must hook up with her. No excuses.
49. If you have ever kicked a bouncer's ass, stop while
you're ahead. Feel free to frequent that bar and act
like a nice guy. Offer him a drink.
50. When out drinking with the boys, quote humorous
lines from movies, TV shows, and life experiences regardless
of how many times they have been told before.
If you are in this group listening, laugh as hard
as you did the first time you heard it. If it was funny
then, it is funny now.
51. If someone goes to buy a round and he lacks the ability
to get to the front of the bar in a reasonable amount
of time, feel free to lap him and buy the next round.
If lapped, this means your friend has to stay at the bar
and buy the next three rounds in succession.
52. Once you have been safely restrained from an altercation
at the bar, feel free to talk as much trash as
possible.
53. If you ever bring anything to a party or picnic, the
leftovers are yours. You paid for them, and for the gas
to go get them. Hold receipts if necessary.
54. When traveling to a new city, always act as if you know
exactly where the cool bar is to go. If it sucks, tell
everyone that you must be there on the wrong night
of the week.
55. Make out with a random girl on the dance floor of a
bar at least biannually.
56. If you call a waiter maître d', saw at your wrist with
the butter knife, then order two shots of Jack or Jim:
one to drink, and the other to pour in your gaping
vagina.
57. If you ever have a quickie with a waitress while she's
at work, you have achieved male greatness. If it happens
in the kitchen, tell your male friends so they
never go to that place again.
58. Every meal is a competition: eat fast and if you can
still move at the end, it's time for seconds.
59. You should learn to be at least decent in all games
played at a bar (darts, pool, shuffleboard, Golden Tee,
foosball, etc.). However, if another man you have not
previously met challenges you to a duel in any of the
aforementioned games, and drinks or money are involved,
do not accept the challenge. This man is an
expert and will verily expose your lack of aptitude in
bar sports, embarrassing you in public in the process.
60. Coming out victorious in a life-or-death struggle with
a vicious predator (e.g., grizzly bears, Siberian tigers,
great white sharks, or other sundry deadly animals)
gives you automatic front of the line status at a keg
party.
61. You absolutely may not use the word sip when referring
to beer or whiskey. The words chug, slam, and
shoot are preferred.
62. Drink a beer while pissing to simulate the gist of the
expression "It's going right through me."
63. Always make certain that you are not the best-dressed
man at any club, bar, or social event that includes
women. If you are, women will automatically assume
you are gay and so will gay men. In fact, you might
actually be gay.
(Continues...)
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